This is my story… my story of rape… occurred when I was 14 years of age.
The first time I felt loosing something precious… my first sexual experience, my virginity, my ability to control a situation, to be simply a human being. It feels weird to write this down… After all these years, but I still feel like a construction side…
This will be my most personal post ever… And it comes out of a place of fear. I fear that I am loosing and hurting people around me, cause I am not being able to control my urges to over-analyze and understand situations and behaviors. My inner instincts are what makes me doubt so many things. It is such a strange feeling to publish this…
It happened on a warm summer afternoon… a bit before the summer break. I was coming home from school, when a guy called me, cause he needed help to find a friend of his. I didn’t think much of it. As a 14 year old teenager, I still believed that the world was kinda rosy and good.
And it turned out it wasn’t. I got pushed in a building. He asked me if I have any money. That was the moment, when I started fear that something could go horribly wrong. Then came the Question: “Are you a faggot? I bet you get fucked by quite some guys in your school!” I didn’t know what to do. I tried to get out, but he pushed me against the wall and pulled my trousers down.
One hand was on my mouth. At some point i froze in a stage of numbness. I felt nothing, just waited. After that I fell like a shell. I had the feeling that happened to somebody else, but not me.
I ran as fast as I could to get home. While running I wanted to puke of disgust. ”Why did that happened to me?” That was the question sounding in my head. ”Was it my fault? Did i deserve it? What did I do wrong?” I came home… opened the door and jumped right into the bathroom. Starting showering, soaping and rubbing my skin, trying to get rid of the feeling of me being abused and assaulted. And that over and over and over…
After that, I crawled out and asked myself :”How will your parents look at you, if you tell them what happened to you?”
So I actually never did tell them, till today. I decided to keep it a secret, my very private secret… my story of rape. I was afraid, had nightmares over months, couldn’t go outside all by myself. I had the feeling that I see his face on every corner. As a result I stopped seeing my friends for quite some time. My parents didn’t understand my behavior. But how could they? In addition came that i couldn’t look myself in a mirror or in any picture… so I stopped getting my picture taken for 2 years. My brother was in Germany at that point. This meant… I had no one to talk to and share my pain.
My adult life
In my adult life, I had to share this experience. Two people knew about it, but not the full version. I was too embarrassed to tell it all. So i figured, that a rape attempt sounds much more ”innocent” than a full front rape. Above all… attempt does not leave you like a victim. That was my point of view. And I actually thought it was a good one. But who am I kidding. my story of rape is exactly that… not an attempt.
But how did all this affect my life nowadays? My damage is more than obvious. I over-analyze things mostly seeing the negative side. I try to control situations and want to get to the bottom of everything, often smothering the people around me. I want things to be clear… perfectly and that yesterday if possible. I cherish honesty and I crave it. That is why I prefer confronting right away to clear the air. I hunt down the truth like a pitbull. I know I am not perfect, but I really try my best to improve myself. And if you happen to be one of the people I somehow annoy… please do know that I am sorry. And I don’t mean to do so. So if my voice something trembles and my actions do not really make sense… it is cause I have feeling bottled up.
It is a liberating feeling to share my story. I feel like maybe a healing process can start now. And if you have similar experience, never forget that it is not your fault, seek help and remember that you are a beautiful person inside and out.